Disney they shouldn’t be upset about Miley Cyrus (for Vanity Fair photos). Look at Donald Duck — he hasn’t worn pants for 50 years.

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"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." (Ann Landers)

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There is a certain inconsistency in the way we insist that the butcher's scales be strictly honest, but have no great objection if the bathroom scale tends to register a trifle on the light side.

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"It looks like a bad storm coming," said a hostess to a visiting neighbor. "You had better stay for dinner." "No thanks," the neighbor said absently. "I don't think it will be that bad."

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Realizing that I needed a new car, recently I went to a car dealership to look at the new hybrids. When they found out that I didn't qualify for the loan, they sold me a lo-brid. I love the way it pedals!!

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Q: What do you get if you cross BigFoot with a celery?

A: A Big Stalker

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INTERPRETING A POLICE REPORT

What the report SAID

What the report MEANT

While on routine patrol... I was in the car because the donut shop was closed.

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner. He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS".

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control. It was raining.

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant. It was too hot to ride in the car.

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner... The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history... He puked on my uniform one night...

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past... I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act... He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations... I wrote one citation for each "swear" word he used...

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door... The music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies... I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the "Command Post."

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command. I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding. She was a good-looking blonde who owns a donut shop.

Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions. It was my bowling night.

The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage. He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment. I told him he wouldn't dare call the judge the same name he called me.

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A MOTHER'S DICTIONARY

Amnesia: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to get pregnant again.

Bottle Feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m., too!

Defense: What you'd better have around "de yard" if you're going to let "de children" play outside!

Drooling: The way in which teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the far enough apart to keep you just on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What a child is called when he or she is in trouble.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look Out!: What it is too late for your child to do by the time you finish screaming it.

Oops: An exclamation that roughly translates into "get a washcloth".

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared Childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that unavoidably attracts other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper Tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Thunderstorm: A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

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SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

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