My Favorites

Dear Lord, in 2009 you have taken away:

my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze,

my favorite actress, Bea Arthur,

my favorite news journalist, Walter Cronkite,

my favorite politician, Ted Kennedy,

my favorite animal personality, Gidget the Taco Bell Dog,

my favorite musician, Les Paul,

my favorite comedian, Dom DeLuise,

my favorite salesman, Billy Mays,

and my favorite athlete, Steve McNair.

I just wanted to let you know

- my favorite terrorist is Osama Bin Laden!!

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A mountaineer took his son to a school to enroll him. "My boy's after larning', what d'ya have?" he asked the teacher.

"We offer English, trigonometry, spelling, etc.," she replied.

"Well, give him some of that thar trigernometry; he's the worst shot in the family."

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A woman said to her friend: "Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy myself a dress."

"Really?" said the friend. "I've always wondered where you got them."

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In the end, whether men of a certain age run off with one woman half our age or twenty women twice our age, whether we leave home to spend our Saturday nights emptying our wallets into the thongs of exotic dancers in a strip palace in Wichita County, or our Sunday mornings weeping through coffee concerts at the Wigmore Hall, it all comes down to the melancholy of being a man, and the further melancholy of being a man in what we now have to call "late middle age" because we cannot bear to use the word "old"

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When my firstborn child, Christian (Chris), was a little over three years old, he was diagnosed with cancer. After two to three years of treatments and several surgeries, it became apparent that his learning abilities had degenerated. With the help of Cancer Institute personnel, we were able to get Chris into a special-education class in a local school.

His teacher soon realized there was a problem in identifying two little boys in the class named Chris. Every time she called the name Chris, both boys answered. So she decided to ask each one what his mother called him at home. The other little boy answered, "Chris," and my son answered, "Sweetheart."

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My first-grade son was eager to boast of his new accomplishment, knowing the whole Pledge of Allegiance.

He said it: "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. You may sit down."

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"In Japan, they have developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. Kind of like what Wall Street did with the dollar." -Jay Leno

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