An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men.

The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"

The man said, "Here and there."

The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"

The man said, "This and that."

The judge then said, "Take him away."

The man said, "Wait, judge, when will I get out?"

The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later..."

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit.

One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed.

A few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee."

"Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

I did.

Being very organized came in handy when I put an extension on my house. I made sure all my bills were paid promptly. So I was mortified when I received a letter from an electrician that stated in bold letters, "Second and Final Notice!"

"I'm sorry," I said when I called him. "I never saw the first notice."

"I didn't send one," he told me. "I find second notices are much more effective."

Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.

TV...If kids are entertained by two letters, imagine the fun they'll have with twenty-six. Open your child's imagination. Open a book.

Father: Well, son, how are your marks?

Son: Under water.

Father: What do you mean

Son: Below 'C' level.

A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins.

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Law of Logical Argument; Any thing is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.

I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

"I had the worst study habits, the lowest grades... then I found out what I was doing wrong. I was highlighting with a black Magic Marker"

- Jeff Altman

Once I heard a radio commercial that said:

"What would it be like to lose an entire hemisphere of your brain? Tune in to the Discovery Channel and find out!"

Finally, they admit it.

THE BUTTERCUP

Ranunculus was a young boy who lived many, many years ago, and he always dressed from head to toe in gold and green silk.

He spent his days, from dawn to dusk, running round the trees of the forest singing in a beautiful, clear, high-pitched voice. This was lovely to hear for a short time, however he never stopped running and singing.

The wood nymphs, realising this was disturbing the peace of the forest and all the creatures in it, turned him into a buttercup and sent him out into the open meadow to live; thereby restoring peace and harmony to the forest.

(The buttercup has a bitter taste, animals won't eat it, and it has no known medicinal use.)

(The sap is an irritant and in Medieval times beggars would rub the buttercup on their skin to produce sores in the hope of getting sympathy and more money given to them.)

MODERN BUSINESS PHRASEOLOGY:

Activate: To make carbons and add more names to the memo.

Advanced Design: Beyond the comprehension of the ad agency's copywriters.

All New: Parts not interchangeable with existing models.

Approved: Needs revising

Automatic: That which you cannot repair yourself.

Channels: The trails left by interoffice memos.

Clarify: To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

Conference: A place where conversation is substituted for the loneliness of thought and the dreariness of labor.

Confidential Memo: No time to photocopy for the whole office.

Consultant: Someone who borrows your watch to tell you what time it is and then walks away with the watch.

Forwarded For Your Consideration: You hold the bag for a while.

FYI: Found yesterday, interested?

In Conference: Nobody can find him/her.

Let's Get Together On This: I'm assuming you're as confused as I.

Read and Initial: I'm not taking the fall for this myself.

Policy: We can hide behind this.

Please See Me: Come down to my office. I'm lonely.

Top Priority: It may be stupid but the boss wants it.

We Are Taking A Survey: We need more time to think of an answer or we can't find anyone willing to be responsible for this.

Will Advise In Due Course: If we figure it out, we'll let you know.

A man in Pennsylvania is too drunk to drive. So he gets his kid to drive him. His son is 9 years old. If you can’t do that, what’s the point of having kids, honestly?

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