I was recently invited to a large church to share my testimony. I was nervously waiting back stage with my wife, when I remembered that I needed to manually turn on my lapel microphone. With the power pack attached to the back of my belt loop, I signaled for my wife to assist me. "Could you turn me on honey?" I asked her. Not hearing my first request, I repeated, “Hey baby, come over hear and turn me on please.” She looked at me with a little sinister look and responded, "You bet ya baby". She reached behind me to turn the power on and her devilish little smile quickly turned to one of fear. "Oh no, it's already turned on" she whispered. About that time we both heard a roar of laughter coming from the congregation. Needless to say, I received a standing ovation after I was introduced.

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant ? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner." (Lynda Montgomery)

My mother decided that I should learn how to swim. We went to one of the lakes in the area, and my mother put a boat in the water. She rowed me out a little way from shore and threw me overboard. I swam back to shore. She took me out farther and threw me overboard again. Again, I swam back to shore. She took me out still farther, to the deepest part of the lake, and threw me overboard once more. I swam back to shore again. That's how I learned to swim. Actually, learning to swim wasn't the hard part--it was getting out of that burlap bag.

"So much has been given to me, I have no time to ponder over that which has been denied." ~Helen Keller (1880-1968)~

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on." (Robert Bloch)

John held his four-month-old daughter Molly on the Disney World shuttle with his son Derek, four, sitting next to him. Sitting across from them was a woman holding an infant. "How old is your baby?" John asked her. Before she could answer, Derek piped up, "Our baby is cuter than yours."

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being jostled around, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

A couple of days ago, there were UFO sightings in New Jersey. But don’t worry, it’s not an invasion — they were just looking for a place to dump a body.

While filming one of his travel shows, Michael Palin found himself celebrating a festival day in a village in the Amazon. As a special guest, he was offered a large glass of some potent wine. Where, he wondered, had the sugar come from? He hadn't noticed any sugar cane growing in the vicinity...

When sugar was scarce, he later learned, the grapes were fermented with saliva...generously donated by the old women residing in the village.

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?"

The pickle says, "Well, for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

Q: Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?

A: He wanted a balanced meal.

Definition of an optimist -- 1. An accordion player with a pager. 2. A choir director with a mortgage.

Q: What do you get by crossing a duck with a burglar?

A: A Safe Quacker.

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