A draftee was being questioned by an army psychiatrist. "What do you think of the army?"

"I love it," the young man said. "I want to wear the uniform proudly and learn all about soldiering. Write that down."

The psychiatrist went on, "Will you be a capable soldier?"

"Sir, give me a gun and I'll show you. I'll shoot until the gun melts. If I can't get another weapon, I'll pickup a stick and go at the enemy with that. Then I'll go at them barehanded. I'll bite them if I have to. Write that down."

The psychiatrist said, "You sound a little crazy"

"Write that down!"

A soldier was trying to sidle out of camp unnoticed, but was seen by the guard. The guard asked him for his pass. The soldier said, "Look, buddy, I don't have any old pass, but that don't bother me none. I have a date with my girl in town. I'm fixing to keep it."

The guard stopped him. "If you try to get pass this gate, I'm afraid. I might have to shoot you."

The soldier shrugged his shoulders and replied. "I've got a mother up in heaven, a daddy down in hell, and a gal in town. And I'm going to see one of them tonight!"

The teacher noticed that little Johnny had arrived for school wearing only one glove.

"Why have you only got one glove?" she asked.

"Well miss," explained Johnny, "I was watching the weather forecast on TV last night, and it said it was going to be sunny but on the other hand it could get quite cold."

Why men shouldn't write advice columns

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila __________________________________________________________________

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and the hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

John

DIET: It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want, and we pray that we won't gain weight.

During the question-and-answer event of the 1987 Miss America Pageant, Miss Delaware was asked who was her favorite author? "Steven Spielberg," she replied.

How to Stay Safe:

1.. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.

2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.

4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of transportation.

5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in Hospitals. So, .... above all else, avoid hospitals.

BUT , .... You will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at Church!

....And.....Bible study is safe,too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less. So, Attend Church, and read your Bible IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!

Husbands should come with a surgeon general warning because taking them in causes major health problems

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