A man called his doctor's office for an appointment. "I'm sorry," said the receptionist," we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."

"But I could be dead by then!"

"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Hair is the first thing. And teeth the second. A man's got those two things, he's got it all.

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punchy, 20- minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

CHURCH SIGN: "Let us help you study for your final exams."

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

In 2004, British gymnast Steven Jehu, the reigning British Under- 16s champion, visited Ljubljana, Slovenia to prepare for the European championships. As he tried to open a fourth-floor hotel window one day, a metal bar broke and Jehu fell 33 feet to the ground below. As he tumbled head first, Jehu used his gymnastics chops to perform a cat-like aerial somersault. He landed feet first, rolled, and escaped with nothing more than a broken ankle.

WHY DID WORLD WAR I FIGHTER PILOTS WEAR LONG SILK SCARVES?

The dashing image of First World War fighter pilots wearing long silk scarves had nothing to do with fashion.

The open-cockpit biplanes were very primitive with no rear-view mirror, so the pilot depended entirely on his own vision to avoid or mount an attack.

The scarf was used to wipe grease from his goggles and to keep his neck from chafing against his collar as he constantly turned his head while watching for the enemy.

Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day!

Q: What can you hold without ever touching it?

A: A conversation.

Ralph Waldo Emerson took immense pride in the orchard at his home in Concord. He spent an hour each morning tending its trees, and entertained friends and worked in its peaceful environs as often as possible.

One day after sending some of his fruit to the local agricultural exhibition, he was visited by the committee of the horticultural society, who asked whether they might see his pear trees.

Emerson welcomed them with some pride...before discovering that they had come not to congratulate him but to examine the soil which had produced such remarkably poor specimens of the fine species in question.

Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A: A cartoon.

Humans and bees have something in common --- hives!

Another way to say that medications for allergic diseases are expensive: "Robbing Peter to pay for Pollen."

Q: How do you get the most apples while bobbing at a Halloween Party?

A: Take a snorkel.

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