Meanings change. "On time" once could mean punctuality. Now it means on monthly payments.

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A young boy ran up to his teacher with tears in his eyes. The teacher asked, "What's wrong, dear?"

The boy said, "I just found out I'll be in school until I'm eighteen."

The teacher said, "That's nothing. I have to stay here until I'm sixty-five."

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One day my fiance decided to take my ten-year-old son, Brian, ice fishing. It took two hours to pack a lunch, load the truck with gear and warm clothes, go to the store to buy fresh shrimp for bait, make a hole in the ice, and set up rods and chairs. It was finally time to bait the line. "Where's the shrimp?" Reed asked. "Gone", replied Brian. "I got hungry while waiting."

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"Father Time is not always a hard parent, and, though he tarries for none of his children, often lays his hand lightly upon those who have used him well; making them old men and women inexorably enough, but leaving their hearts and spirits young and in full vigor. With such people the gray head is but the impression of the old fellow's hand in giving them his blessing, and every wrinkle but a notch in the quiet calendar of a well-spent life." (Charles Dickens)

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Chester was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader’s table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For $25, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Chester readily agreed, and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That’s true," said Chester.

"Oh, my goodness! You are extremely lonely, aren’t you?"

"Yes," Chester shamefully admitted. "That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

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I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

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My friend’s husband, Jay, is a state trooper and enjoys sharing the excuses people use when stopped for speeding. One day, however, the tables were turned. Jay maintains an aquarium of exotic fish, and a prized specimen had threatened to turn belly up. The off-duty officer called a pet store, and they advised him to immediately purchase a special additive that would correct the water’s pH.

Jay and his wife jumped into the car and rushed to the store. A state trooper signaled them to pull over. "Go ahead," Jay’s wife said. "Tell him you’ve got a sick fish!"

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Flattery is a two-way deal: Tell some guy how smart he is, and soon he will brag about your intelligence.

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Moral courage is when you are positive a course of action is right, then follow it despite adverse criticism.

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Midlife crisis is that moment when you realize your children and your clothes are about the same age.

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Republicans are saying, Oh Joe Biden got beaten by a girl. Democrats are screaming elderly abuse.

They determined who got the first question by a coin toss. To which Sarah Palin said, “What a coincidence — that’s how I was picked.”

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Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it's looks; most women know otherwise.

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Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Messages Left On Sarah Palin’s Answering Machine

10. “Hi, it’s John McCain; I had to go to bed. How’d it go?”

9. “Hi, Katie Couric here. Have you thought of a Supreme Court case yet?”

8. “Hi, it’s Bill Clinton. Let me know when Todd’s out of town.”

7. “My name is Joseph Sixpack — knock it off.”

6. “Hi, Katie Couric again — think of any newspapers yet?”

5. “Buy the Late Show Fun Facts book. It’s a bridge to hilarity.”

4. “John McCain again; could you pick up my prescriptions?”

3. “Senator Larry Craig here — do you have Joe Biden’s phone number?”

2. “McCain again; do you remember where I parked the Straight Talk Express?”

1. “It’s President Bush. If you’re at the debate, who’s watchin’ Russia?”

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Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

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You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in others than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

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Is it because most women need drugs to cope with the pain of childbirth that men think of them as the weaker sex?

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